Celebrities who donate less than a million dollars for a charitable cause don’t actually care about that cause.

Every time I see that a celebrity has donated for a charitable cause and I see a figure like $150,000, I pause my DVR, fetch a shovel, and bludgeon the image of that celebrity on my TV until I need a new TV. This happened recently when I saw that Madonna had given $250,000 for the Haiti relief effort, encouraging her pathetic fans to match her gift. Now, from a well-off person, $250,000 would be an exceptionally generous donation. But Madonna is not merely well-off – she is extremely wealthy. For her to give anything less than a million dollars shows that she, like every other plastic-faced celebrity who donates thousand-dollar amounts to causes about which they claim to be so passionate, does not care about the cause to which she is making such a paltry contribution.

“Oh, what’s so magical about a million dollars? It’s just a number!”

Yeah, it’s a number – a much greater number than $250,000. When you earn $110 million a year, as Madonna did according to Forbes magazine, giving less than a million dollars shows exactly what you think about charity: there are better things to be spending money on. I do not mean to say that it is bad to spend money on luxuries and other benefits of financial wealth. If I am ever rich, I will probably spend a lot of money on those things. But I will also spend a lot of money on charity, which means if I make tens of millions of dollars in a year, I might just give one of those millions to the poor and hurting instead of pinching out a few thousand like a selfish douche.

Rich celebrities love to lay guilt trips on the middle class about the poor and oppressed, but when it comes to actually giving sizeable portions of their income to help those miserable people, they usually don’t. The reason for this, I think, is that celebrities do not think they are much different from the middle class. In their view, there are rich people and there are poor people – anybody who doesn’t live in a hut made out of dirt is rich, and everybody else is poor and deserves our money. The Haitians deserve our money, of course, but don’t they deserve a little more of Madonna’s money than my money? Yes, they do. I was being rhetorical.


Sorry about that!


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