Get active?  Nah, I'd rather be lazy.

It seems these days you can't watch television, go online, or read a magazine without being bombarded with youth-targeted "get active" propaganda.  I particularly hate those "Verb" advertisements.  You know, the ones where they have all these fruity 8-year-olds playing stupid games, followed by some pubescent teenager bellowing, "Verb:  it's what you do."  No, really?  Why don't they start a noun ad campaign.  They could show pictures of California and Hawaii, black people and white people, and rocks and leaves.  Then they'd say, "Noun:  it's a person, place or thing."  Stupid morons.

And we all know why they started these goofy "get-active" commercials:  America's children are fat.  Big deal (no pun intended, except for I did say "no pun intended" so you would in turn catch the unintended pun, so in a way, it was intended).  Who cares?  So they're fat, it's not like seeing a commercial with some kid riding his bicycle or jumping rope is suddenly going to propel the generic obese American child to leap off the couch and on to a pogo stick.  In fact, he may just eat that second bag of Cheetos out of spite. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't sympathize for our nation's fat, inactive, lazy children - I'm just sick of being told what to do with my free time.  The fact of the matter is, I lead a very stressful life Monday through Friday and like to relax when I can.  I'm not overweight, though I used to be before I got off my fat behind and excercized - but that's a different story.  I'm healthy now, and no, I don't want to run around aimlessly in my backyard with a Frisbee when I get out of school.  I want to watch TV.  I want to check my e-mail repeatedly in search of outside life that may in some way be interested enough to contact me.  And yes, I want to update this gay Web site that nobody reads.  Okay?  Is that all right with you, Ad Council?  Maybe when I'm old enough to get a job like yours where I make commercials that tell people how to live their lives I can't finish this sentence, but in the mean time,


A different, though equally as stupid, reason these organizations release "get active" commercials is to keep kids off drugs.  The key error in this tactic is that kids who are truly destined to do drugs will do drugs no matter what some 11-year-old Mexican kid says while playing basketball in an ad for the YMCA.  I saw this tremendously obnoxious commercial where this stupid black woman is telling her daughter all these projects she has to do throughout the week.  "Okay, you have choir practice on Monday, volleyball on Tuesday, soccer on Wednesday, and piano on Thursday."  "And Friday I'm going to see a movie," the daughter says.  "With your parents," the mother snaps back with a grin.  Eugh.  I'd be like, "What?  I don't think so, mom."  Then I'd slug her right in her stupid, pretentious face.  I hate parents that shove their kids in all these lame activities.  "Ooh, Junior plays chess!"  He's seven, you hack.  Let him sit around and watch Blue's Clues.  And when he's older, let him sit around and watch Family Guy.  My parents left me alone when it came to things like sports and music, and look how I turned out.

I'll do what I want with my free time, you do what you want with yours.  In fact, I recommend flinging yourself out the window of a high-rise building.  It's very fun, and much cheaper than buying a football to throw around. 


Sorry about that!


Got any gripes?  Hit me with 'em at:

(I might even hit you back.)