I hate people who say we should still write letters because e-mails are “cold and impersonal.” These people don’t love keeping in touch with distant family members; they love writing letters because it makes them feel warm and nostalgic. They never cared about who they were communicating with, just as long as they communicated through their antiquated, feel-good medium. They’re the same people who prefer vinyl records to CDs: they don’t really love music; they just like the warm, crackling sound of a shoddy record.


I hate to break it to you progress-fearing cavemen, but pretty soon your precious letter-writing isn’t going to exist as a form of communication. We may eventually call e-mails or whatever the latest standard is letters, but the days of toiling over a piece of paper with a pen and sealing it in an envelope to go to the post office are numbered.


This is the mentality you hear espoused every week on the opinion segment of one of CBS News’s “thoughtful” news programs. “Remember when we used to write letters? Yeah, letters…” Oh, shut up. Did we have people back when letter-writing became more efficient saying, “Wait – take some time to send a smoke signal”?


I understand the fear of technology, but only if it poses a significant threat to our wellbeing. For example, these maniacal scientists who will go to hell who are developing singularity technology (google Ray Kurzweil) are going to destroy humanity and bring about the second coming of Christ. As somebody who opposes these advancements, I realize they are going to proceed despite my objection and there is nothing I can do about it. But I still oppose them out of principle. Not so with e-mail, which is simply better than letter-writing.


It is the same with iPods. Recently I heard that fat, gay cow Elton John bellyaching about how iPods were bad for music or some such nonsense. No Elton, you’re bad for music because your music is horrible. People act like Elton John is one of the greatest artists of our time, but how many notable songs does he really have? I can think of two: “Bennie and the Jets” and I can’t remember the other. I also hate Jay-Z – not for his music, but for his pigheaded opposition to modern technology. He had his latest album, American Gangster, pulled from the iTunes Store because he didn’t want the songs being sold individually. Here is a quote from Jay-Z:


…As movies are not sold scene by scene, this collection will not be sold as individual singles.”


Well, you pretentious twit, if you took a moment from bathing in your own self-importance, you could learn that Apple offers companies the option to sell their songs by “Album Only.” Therefore, you could have made the tracks from American Gangster available by “Album Only” and your artistic dilemma would have been solved. But no, you had to withdraw the album altogether. I wouldn’t have bought it anyway, but if I wanted to, now I couldn’t get the high-quality album art for my iPod that iTunes offers. Thanks Jay-Z – you just made life a little bit worse.


Anyway, letter-writing blows.



Sorry about that!


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