I hate neighbors.
Neighbors are stupid. Oh sure, I know what you're saying: "but eroy they bring freshly kooked meatloafs when u move in lol." Sure, sure. That's just how they get you sucked into their cult. It all starts with the meatloaf. Then they start inviting you to barbecues, swim parties, and the next thing you know, they think they should have their own key to your house "in case anything ever goes wrong." In case anything ever goes wrong? Oh, you mean like when you sneak into my house at midnight with an axe and hack me to pieces until I'm nothing more than a blood-stained skeleton, cradling a teddy bear in its frail, crippled hands, you murderous snake, you? No thanks. I think I shall remain with just one key to my house.
Usually I can be found during the wee hours on my porch in my night gown with my night cap on, scanning a shotgun across the perimeter, seeking for my stupid neighbors to come stumbling over to kill me. Stupid neighbors. Think you can kill me? Puh. Yeah right. Not even that crazy spatula lady across the street can step to me and my shotgun.
Crazy spatula lady.
Then there's my neighbors dog. I will shoot him. He's always running in my way right when I'm on my way to somewhere important and barking. I hate that mutt. One time I was coming home from McDonald's and, just out of spite, I threw my last, hot breakfast burrito out the window and burned his stupid face as I yelled "DIE!!!!" I think he got third-degree burning, but I'm not sure. Oh well.
I also have some moron next door that always swings. She swings at two, she swings at three, she swings at four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, one, two, and three. You think I'm joking with those last two, don't you? One time I woke up to hear the obnoxious voice of that horse, Jimmy Kimmel, on the television and I looked out the window only to find her swinging at three in the morning. I'm seriously considering the possibility that she is a serial killer. If she is, I will shoot her with my tranquilizer gun.
That's all for now. And remember, if you have just moved into a new neighborhood, take these four words as pure gospel: Don't take the meatloaf!
Got any gripes? Hit me with 'em at:
(I might even hit you back.)