Jack Dorsey sold his soul to Satan.

How else can you explain the incessant (and unwarranted) media coverage of Twitter, the inane “micro-blogging” service created by Dorsey? Everywhere I go (and by “everywhere I go,” I mean “every television channel I watch”), I am bombarded with arbitrary references to Twitter and to its legions of dimwitted users. Here is a list of media outlets through which I have heard about Twitter:

·         Every media outlet.

I understand that Twitter is popular, but the excessive degree to which the media have been publicizing the service suggests a more mystical basis for Twitter’ success. That is, Jack Dorsey – and Twitter’s other founders, Evan Williams and Biz Stone – must be conspiring with the devil. By this I do not mean that the devil actually helped them develop Twitter, but that they sold their souls to the devil in exchange for free and superfluous media promotion. (It is possible that some other arrangement was made, but the selling-of-the-souls thing seems most likely.)

In a Time magazine profile of “The Twitter Guys” written by Ashton Kutcher, the founders of Twitter were hailed as revolutionary inventors who would go down in history beside Samuel Morse, Alexander Graham Bell, Guglielmo Marconi, Philo Farnsworth, Bill Gates, and Steve Jobs. Kutcher declared that the creation of Twitter is “as significant and paradigm-shifting as the invention of Morse code, the telephone, radio, television or the personal computer.” What? First of all, Ashton Kutcher should be flogged for being such a shortsighted nincompoop. Who, in their right mind, could actually believe that Twitter – this loathsome Internet phenomenon propagated by the media and Satan – is as “significant and paradigm-shifting” as the phone? I understand that you losers are excited about your new toy, but stop pretending that Twitter is some kind of great technological achievement – it is not.

“But Elroy, Twitter has been used to document major news events in real time – like the attacks on Mumbai!”

Great! Do you know what else can be, and, for decades, has been used to document major news events in real time? Television. Television is great because you can actually see what is happening! Oh, what is the matter? Is television not hip enough for you? Do you not feel sufficiently pretentious getting your news from an old television set? Too bad; go die.

Do you want to know the real reason the media are so infatuated with Twitter? I will tell you. Since 2006, the big noise on the Internet has been YouTube. Contrary to the media’s depiction of YouTube as nothing but a source for skateboarding-dog videos, the popular video sharing website features some very interesting, interactive, and original content – content that is able to compete with that of the mainstream media. Twitter, of course, has no purpose and does not compete with the mainstream media in any way. Accordingly, the media are trying to shift the spotlight off YouTube and onto Twitter, and to thereby increase their ever-decreasing influence. (I have no idea whether this is true, but it sounds right.)

In defense of Twitter, the technology enthusiasts always say that kids these days want “quick, live communication.” This, they say, is why young people have abandoned e-mail in favor of services like MySpace, Facebook, and, of course, Twitter. Do you know what? No. There is no logic behind Twitter; PEOPLE ARE JUST STUPID. They do not prefer these new “technologies” because they are better than what is already available, but because they are trendy. When I discovered that all my friends were using the “comments” feature of MySpace to carry on conversations, I promptly terminated my friendship with both of them and deleted my MySpace account. What the hell is wrong with you retards? E-MAIL IS BETTER. Do you know what is wrong with society? Blindness. Not blindness in the sense of “not being able to see,” but in the sense of “mindlessly conforming to and adopting every new standard and trend that the media crap out for our consumption.” Twitter is communication for the sake of communication; who cares whether one has anything important to say, they think, as long as he has the means by which to say something? Eugh.

In conclusion, Twitter is stupid and Ashton Kutcher should be whipped with a sjambok.


Sorry about that!


Got any gripes? Hit me with 'em at:

(I might even hit you back.)